Seeing the Ocean

Jennifer Zhang

如今最喜欢做的事情莫过于翻译女儿的随笔。每每看着她随心出游，走入远山大海用整个身心与自然交流融汇，便不甚欣慰，此生竟觉已然了无遗憾！

Today I went to the ocean. The air was musty. I passed by painted mailboxes and wooden houses and moldy stone walls. I found myself walking quickly, and I forced myself to slow down and enjoy the journey. I was stalling. I knew I was going to the ocean.

今日我去看海，空气是阴沉而霉味的，途经上漆的邮箱、木质房屋和发霉的石墙。我觉得自己走得很快，便强迫自己慢下来去享受旅程。我细声慢步，告诉自己这是去看海。

I knew that I was looking for the ocean. It was the reason why I decided to go on a walk. My mind was there before my heart was there. To think of it, I dont think my heart was ever there until now. How strange it is to realize that most of the time, the mind and heart are hardly ever at the same place. So my mind was set on this destination and it dragged my whole body along. I had a great urgency.

我知道自己在寻找大海，这是我出行的理由。我的思维前行于我的心，我的心并未同行，至此刻。多么奇怪，多数时心与神竟无法同步，我的意念为我假设了目的地，拖动我身心俱往，也拖动了我的焦虑。

It was the air that caught me. I fell into the humid embrace of the oceans breath. For the entire duration of my walk to the ocean, I had been like a lost child, wandering and looking for its mother. The ocean was distant today. It was in no mood to entertain. There was a veil over the world, like we were all trapped in a big drop of liquid. Perhaps we are all in a snow globe. The sky blended into the sea at the horizon line. In retrospect my vision seemed pixelated, like the zoomed-up images of the ocean on my phone. The waves came as one and deflected off the millions of rocks on the beach that were tilted this way and that and sent each water drop back in a million directions. As I looked at the ocean I felt a great empathy. I was seeing the water of the Atlantic Ocean, as someone in Great Britain or Nova Scotia or Iceland may see the water of the same ocean. As someone who lived long ago would drink the water of the same ocean. As someone who lives far in the future will feel the water of the same ocean rush down their backs as they stand bare-skin amid a spring rain.

空气捕捉到了我，我感觉到海潮湿的呼吸拥拢了我。在我去向海的整个旅程，我像个迷路又迷惑的孩子，追寻着自己的母亲。今日的海看去有些悠远，不喜待客。世界笼罩着面纱，如同我们被一颗巨大的泪滴擒获。也许我们同在一个雪中的星球，天空混合海洋于同一地平线处。 回想起来，我的意念被像素化，如同我手机里被放大的海的形象。浪花齐心地拍打着沙滩上百万的礁石，又合力如期退却。我看着海，心如神往，我看着大西洋的海水，如同有人在大不列颠或新斯科舍省或冰岛在与我同时观海，就如同很久以前有人在饮着同一个海中的水。又如同未来有人感觉同一海水冲刷着他们裸露于春雨的脊背。

What can I do at the ocean? I took off my boots and socks and up came a rushing wave and my feet were cold and hurt against the sharp stabbing of the stones. I started looking at this rock and that shell and picked up the brightest, most clear looking white stones from the bunch. I sorted and picked through the grand selection and went through many contenders until my pockets were contently weighed down with many free presents. Then I looked back at the ocean and thought about how pathetic it was.

海之面前我能做些什么？脱去靴褪却袜迎向涌来的浪之冰冷和石刺之疼痛。我开始寻找卵石和贝壳，捡起其中最鲜亮，出众而清如白石的。我分类并刻意筛选直到我的衣袋里装满免费的礼物而下沉。我回望海开始了思索和怜悯。

When I see such a grand scene in front of me, the only thing I can do is look around to see what part of the scene I can break off and claim as my own. I remove the precious rocks and shells of nature to put in my own pocket. Surely as soon as I get home I will wash them with processed and purified tap water, to further rid them off their ocean heritage and claim them as my own. To "domesticate" them into my domesticated life.

当我望着这如此盛大的场面呈于眼前，我唯一能做的是环顾四周去寻找那个可以被断开只属于我的部分。我拿走了先前属于大自然的卵石和贝壳，把它们放入我的衣袋。当我回到家中也一定会用被处理过的干净的水来洗去它们身上海的遗迹，而宣称它们已经属于我，把它们驯养进我已被驯化的生活。

How nature must laugh at us. She must laugh at how anxious and stupid and insecure we are. She must laugh at our feeble attempts to grasp onto what was and never will be ours. To find savior and security and contentment in material things. To on owning the pebbles while throwing away a lifetimes worth of happiness.

大自然会如何来嘲笑我们？她会嘲笑我们的急不可待、愚不可及和毫不靠谱。她会嘲笑我们微弱到竟企图去攫取和占有那些本不属于我们的自然资源。为自然属性的物质去寻求救赦、安全和满足，聚焦于拥有卵石而丧失生命本应持有的快意。

How cruel it was of me to remove the ocean things from their home. How cruel it will be to them when I place them into my home, far from the ocean. And what good will they be? What meaning will they hold? I will pass by them with the same apathy that I have for all the familiar things. I will pass by them when I am rushing to catch a bus or maybe when I have a whole day to walk slowly about the house and observe. Maybe one day I will spare them another glance and then, will I even remember where they came from?

我是多么的残忍去拿走本属于海的东西。又将多么残忍把它们带回我的家却让它们远离大海！它们会感觉好么？这样做对于它们有何意义？我途经它们如同任何我所熟知的事物般熟视无睹，我会路过它们当我去赶着公车或者只是那一整天我倦于屋内踱步思索。我备着它们也许只是为了有一天匆匆间一瞥，我甚至不再记得它们从何而来？

When I was walking back the dark was descending. As light left the day I became increasing anxious because there was a slight fear of being lost. I followed the landmarks that I noticed on the way to the beach and marked in my mind purely out of amusement. Somewhere midway through the journey I saw a brilliantly illuminated patch of sky to the right. I thought it was the sunset and deducted that I must have been heading west, since that is where the sun sets. As I got closer I wondered whether that was the sun or just a lamppost because its light was way to brilliant. And still I wanted to believe, believe that there could be such a brilliant sunset on such a foggy day.

当我回头黑暗已然来临，当光影渐离白昼，我被将迷失于黑暗的恐惧轻微地裹挟。我跟随去海途中的标记，那些根植于我脑海从消遣嬉戏中剥离的记忆。中途的某些地方，天空出色发光的补缀对于光影。我知道那时日落，而全然没顾我该往西，日落的方向。当我越至目的地，越开始迷惑，那光是来自于日落还是光柱的微芒？但我仍然坚信这大雾的天里该有的夕阳的光芒！

It was a lamppost and there were a couple more like it down the road home. I got home fine and everyone was as I expected to find them. What a nice and warm house this is. And the ocean was cold.

那里曾有光柱似乎在指引你回家的路。我回到家体会着我曾熟悉的温暖，而另一边，海依然是它冷冷的温度。