<p class="ql-block">Never thought one day I would act like this, like the one who many years ago gave me nightmares and sowed shadows in my heart. And this person is my fourth grade’s math teacher. So many years have slid by, and the passage of time may have made him an old amiable man now, yet, in my memory he still remains the same, the same cruel, violent and hot-tempered man who would lift his hand whenever his students displeased him, and who would cause his students to tremble and shudder in fear just by his mere presence. Yes, he once was my math teacher. But all I ever felt for him was fear and aversion. As a teacher, he never saw it his job to protect us, care for us or comfort us, he never even tried to contain his bad temper or hide his inner monster. All I remember is his cold eyes which were brimming with disgust and revulsion at the sight of me or any other students who were simply bad at math. We were literally living in terror. And whenever he raised his hand with a stick in it, we would prepare to be beaten. One, two, three, one after another, sometimes, when the stick was broken, he, still hot in his anger, would make use of his hand and gave us a slap in the face, regardless of the difference in gender. One of my best friends, a ten-year-old girl then, was diagnosed with concussion after being slapped in the face for 5 times in a row. He was accused of deliberately inflicting physical punishment on students and was given a warning for that. After the incident, we were assigned a new math teacher, but a lot of us never recovered from the trauma. We didn’t know it then, since we were so little and so young. We assumed that once the math teacher was gone, we would be away from harm, and away from his impact. Yet, what we didn’t expect is that he neutralized our ability to take a liking to math. Whenever we see those numbers and geometric figures, we would be reminded of him. And fear freezes one’s mind and creativity. We never managed to fall in love with math.</p> <p class="ql-block">So today, when I raised my hand with the admonishing ruler in my hand, when I wielded it with so much force, and when I saw these palms stretching out shaking with fear, all of a sudden, I lost all my strength and felt like falling apart from the inside by pieces. How could I? What has become of me? How could I end up being the one person that I detest most? How could I step into his shoes and fall into this trap? No, this was not me! Stop! Just Stop! I am way better than him. I am not a monster. I had never hit one single student with my own hand in my whole career as a teacher before I took on the responsibility of being a headteacher. No. This is not me. This is not what I intend to do and who I mean to be. There must be a way out. It got to be. But where? And How? Everything is like a mess. I don’t know and I can’t think. If guilt and remorse can kill, then I was the victim. The overwhelming emotions was like a claw that clutched my throat, leaving hardly any air for me to breathe in. It’s like I was screaming at the top of my lungs for help, yet no one can hear me, because I was choked by my own emotions and I can barely make a sound. The moment I dropped the ruler on the floor with tears filling my eyes, I felt so helpless and so sad. Dad, are you there, will you tell me what exactly should I do ? </p> <p class="ql-block">12 years ago, in 2011, I stood out as NO. 1 in teachers’ recruitment examination in Pingluo county and got myself employed in Pingluo middle school, one of the 8 best senior high schools in Ningxia. Since the day I stepped on the teaching platform, I have made my mind mind to be a good teacher, a responsible teacher, a teacher who not only excels in her profession or expertise but also cares about and loves her students. A teacher who can relate to her students and who can serve as a guarding angle for her students. 12 years has passed, but that aspiration has never changed, not for a single second. For me, teaching is not onlya job or a career. It is part of my life, an indispensable part of my life. Every day, I take it seriously. Every day, I go all out. Every day I endeavor to do my best. Because I know, teaching bestows my life with meaning. It gives something to fight for, to work for and to be happy for. It gives me the means to support myself and stand on my own in the society. Moreover, deep down inside, I know I have to be a good teacher, because as a teacher, I also shoulder the duty of foster talents for our country. Young people are the future of a country. Whether our country can sustain our strength, can stand as a strong major power among all the countries in this world depends on young people. If young people are good, strong and independent, then our country will be good, strong and independent. If young people are bad, weak, selfish and useless, then who to build the country, defend the country and develop the country? As a CPC member, I know how important my job is. So I never dare to take my job lightly. And all these years, hard work pays off. Never have I failed my students as a teacher. But now, at this moment, I am not so sure. And I am so afraid. My heart is so full of anxiety and worries that I start to doubt myself.Can I do this job well?Can I ...?Can I ...?Can I ...?Am I a qualified Headteacher?“ I will be your guarding angle always?”I mean to be the guarding angle for class 14. That is my oath.But now, I am just so hurt and so lost...</p>