无心剑英译朱自清《匆匆》

无心剑

匆匆

太匆匆

半生已逝去

几多欢喜几多愁

回望，匆匆的旅程

只留下一些浅淡的痕迹

半生庸常，收获甚微

你说，不必遗憾

坦然接受命运

平淡是真

2023年2月5日

匆匆

Gone in a Rush

朱自清

By Zhu Ziqing

燕子去了，有再来的时候；杨柳枯了，有再青的时候；桃花谢了，有再开的时候。但是，聪明的，你告诉我，我们的日子为什么一去不复返呢？——是有人偷了他们罢：那是谁？又藏在何处呢？是他们自己逃走了罢：现在又到了哪里呢？

Swallows will return even they have gone; willow trees will regreen even they have withered; peach flowers will rebloom even they have faded. But, you the wise, tell me, why would our days be gone without return? If someone has stolen them, who and where is he then? Or if they have fled themselves, where are they now?

我不知道他们给了我多少日子；但我的手确乎是渐渐空虚了。在默默里算着，八千多日子已经从我手中溜去；像针尖上一滴水滴在大海里，我的日子滴在时间的流里，没有声音，也没有影子。我不禁头涔涔而泪潸潸了。

I don't know how many days were given to me, but I do feel they slip away from my hands. Counted in silence, over eight thousand days have gone through my fingers. Just as a waterdrop drips from a needle tip into the sea, my days drip into the stream of time without any sound or trace. O, sweat floods my head and tears drown my face!

去的尽管去了，来的尽管来着；去来的中间，又怎样地匆匆呢？早上我起来的时候，小屋里射进两三方斜斜的太阳。太阳他有脚啊，轻轻悄悄地挪移了；我也茫茫然跟着旋转。于是——洗手的时候，日子从水盆里过去；吃饭的时候，日子从饭碗里过去；默默时，便从凝然的双眼前过去。我觉察他去的匆匆了，伸出手遮挽时，他又从遮挽着的手边过去，天黑时，我躺在床上，他便伶伶俐俐地从我身上跨过，从我脚边飞去了。等我睁开眼和太阳再见，这算又溜走了一日。我掩着面叹息。但是新来的日子的影儿又开始在叹息里闪过了。

The past has gone and the future still comes, yet in between, it is such a rush! When I get up in the morning, my small room is greeted by two or three patches of slanting sunshine. The sun silently moves on its own feet, while I follow it without awareness. So, when I wash my hands, my days pass my washbasin; when I have my meal, they pass my ricebowl; when I meditate, they pass my gazing eyes. When I realize they go in such a hurry, I stretch out my hands to hold them back, but they also pass my hands; when I lie in bed at night, they quickly stride over my body and flit past my feet; when I open my eyes to meet the sun again, one more day is gone. I bury my face in my hands and sigh, but a new day again begins to flash away in my sigh.

在逃去如飞的日子里，在千门万户的世界里的我能做些什么呢？只有徘徊罢了，只有匆匆罢了；在八千多日的匆匆里，除徘徊外，又剩些什么呢？过去的日子如轻烟，被微风吹散了，如薄雾，被初阳蒸融了；我留着些什么痕迹呢？我何曾留着像游丝样的痕迹呢？我赤裸裸来到这世界，转眼间也将赤裸裸的回去罢？但不能平的，为什么偏要白白走这一遭啊？

What can I do in this crowded world during my days fleeing like an arrow? O nothing but wander! O nothing but rush! In the rush of my past eight thousand days, what remains besides my wandering? The past days are like a light smoke, blown away by breeze, and like a thin mist, melted by the morning sun. What trace have I left on this world? Alas, even a gossamer trace I have not left! I came to this world stark-nakedly, and instantly I will leave this world in the same way! But how can I not complain of going through this life all in vain?

你聪明的，告诉我，我们的日子为什么一去不复返呢？

You the wise, tell me, why would our days be gone without return?

铁冰：喜见《匆匆》更佳译文

【前些天点评了《匆匆》的几家译文，今天读到无心剑兄的新译（简称“华译”），觉得比我的译文更胜几分。该译本胜在完全摆脱了原文字面的束缚，不拘泥于一字一词的得失，一心译意，令译文如行云流水，晓畅至极。其行文用语，现代气息扑面而来，在生活节奏极快的21世纪，更能给人“匆匆”的感觉。相比之下，铁译受前人译文影响过深，含有过多（尽管比前人译本少）损害了流畅性的表达，显得失色不少。然而，事物总是一分为二的，流畅是华译的优点，也是其缺点，这表现在原文中一些有特色的修辞和口吻在译文中消失了。今将《匆匆》原文及铁译、华译列出，以示比较，并对后者作简要点评。】

——匆匆/朱自清

燕子去了，有再来的时候；杨柳枯了，有再青的时候；桃花谢了，有再开的时候。但是，聪明的，你告诉我，我们的日子为什么一去不复返呢？——是有人偷了他们罢：那是谁？又藏在何处呢？是他们自己逃走了罢：现在又到了哪里呢？ -

铁译：

Rush in Hush

When swallows have gone, there's still a time to return; when willow trees have become withered, there's still a time to regreen; when peach blossoms have faded, there's still a time to rebloom. But, you the wise, tell me, why would our days be gone yet never come back? If they have been stolen by someone, who should it be and where could he hide them? Or if they just have fled by themselves, then where should they be now?

华译：

Gone in a Rush

Swallows will return even they have gone; willow trees will regreen even they have withered; peach flowers will rebloom even they have faded. But, you the wise, tell me, why would our days be gone without return? If someone has stolen them, who and where is he then? Or if they have fled themselves, where are they now?

【开篇3个分句华译改得极妙，每分句以even来连接，不失婉转；华译对原文“有……的时候”视而不见，直接将本意“它们将会再来”译出，简洁漂亮。铁译中的have become withered、by themselves、where should they be now等语受前人译文影响，显得文绉绉，华译简化为have withered、themselves、where are they now，清新自然，富于现代气息，更具可读性。“一去不返”的华译be gone without return更比铁译be gone yet never come back简洁有力。值得一提的是，“那是谁？又藏在何处呢？”一句，前人及铁冰译文的理解为“那是谁，他把偷来的日子藏在何处？”而华译理解为“那是谁，他（藏）在何处？”似乎更恰当。】

我不知道他们给了我多少日子；但我的手确乎是渐渐空虚了。在默默里算着，八千多日子已经从我手中溜去；像针尖上一滴水滴在大海里，我的日子滴在时间的流里，没有声音，也没有影子。我不禁头涔涔而泪潸潸了。

铁译：I do not know how many days my life was granted. However, I do feel in my hands they are running out. I count in my heart, and find that more than eight thousand days and nights have slipped away though my fingers. Just like a water drop that drips from a needle tip and vanishes into the vast ocean, my days have been dripping into the stream of time, even without a sound or a trace. Once I think of that, I can't help having my forehead flooded in sweats and face drowned in tears.

华译：I don't know how many days were given to me, but I do feel they slip away from my hands. Counted in silence, over eight thousand days have gone through my fingers. Just as a waterdrop drips from a needle tip into the sea, my days drip into the stream of time without any sound or trace. O, sweat floods my head and tears drown my face!

【首句开头的华译I don't know口语化，比文气的铁译（受朱纯深译文影响）好，但后半句译文I do feel they slip away缺乏“渐渐流失”之感，不佳；第2句Counted...days have gone...的语感较差，该句回译为中文就是“被默默计算的八千多个日子从我的指缝间去了”，这与原文意思不符。末句用非人称主语句，很有英文味。】

去的尽管去了，来的尽管来着；去来的中间，又怎样地匆匆呢？早上我起来的时候，小屋里射进两三方斜斜的太阳。太阳他有脚啊，轻轻悄悄地挪移了；我也茫茫然跟着旋转。于是——洗手的时候，日子从水盆里过去；吃饭的时候，日子从饭碗里过去；默默时，便从凝然的双眼前过去。我觉察他去的匆匆了，伸出手遮挽时，他又从遮挽着的手边过去，天黑时，我躺在床上，他便伶伶俐俐地从我身上跨过，从我脚边飞去了。等我睁开眼和太阳再见，这算又溜走了一日。我掩着面叹息。但是新来的日子的影儿又开始在叹息里闪过了。

铁译：Those gone do have gone, and those to come are simply coming; yet in between, how hasty does the rush like? When I get up at dawn I can see two or three patches of light are slantingly cast in my small room by the sun. But he silently and stealthily moves away on his own feet, making me follow up absently. So, when I wash my hands, my days pass by beside the sink; when I have my meal, they pass away between dishes; when I am drowned in contemplation, they pass on before my gazing eyes. When I notice they are going so hurriedly, I reach out my hands and try to hold them back, only to see them glide away beyond my holding hands; when I lie in bed at night, they nimbly stride over my body and flit past my feet; when I open my eyes and meet the sun again, one more day is gone. I can't but sigh with my face buried in hands, but the new day has begun to flash away in my sighs. -

华译：The past has gone and the future still comes①, yet in between, it is such a rush!② When I get up at dawn③, my small room is greeted by two or three patches of slanting sunshine. The sun silently moves on its own feet, while I follow it without awareness. So, when I wash my hands, my days pass my washbasin; when I have my meal, they pass my ricebowl; when I meditate, they pass my gazing eyes;④ when I realize they go in such a hurry, I stretch out my hands to hold them back, but they also pass my hands; when I lie in bed at night, they quickly stride over my body and flit past my feet; when I open my eyes to meet the sun again, one more day is gone. I bury my face in my hands and sigh, but a new day again begins to flash away in my sigh⑤.

【①简炼、晓畅，但原文的辞格未能存留。②此处译为感叹句，更加有力，且没有张培基译文的生硬。③此处与铁译同误：at dawn是天刚亮的时候，还不可能有“两三方斜斜的太阳”射进屋里。④非常简炼，但此处宜以句号结束。⑤优点与④同，末句用一般现在时比铁译的现在完成时语感更准确。】

在逃去如飞的日子里，在千门万户的世界里的我能做些什么呢？只有徘徊罢了，只有匆匆罢了；在八千多日的匆匆里，除徘徊外，又剩些什么呢？过去的日子如轻烟，被微风吹散了，如薄雾，被初阳蒸融了；我留着些什么痕迹呢？我何曾留着像游丝样的痕迹呢？我赤裸裸来到这世界，转眼间也将赤裸裸的回去罢？但不能平的，为什么偏要白白走这一遭啊？ -

你聪明的，告诉我，我们的日子为什么一去不复返呢？ -

铁译：What can I do in this bustling world, with my days fleeting as fleeing? Oh nothing but wander, only wander in haste! What have I done in my eight-thousand-day rush, except wandering? The past days, like light smokes, have been blown away by gentle breeze; and like thin mists, have been melted by the rising sun. Oh what have I left behind, have I ever left behind even a mark as tiny as gossamer, other than nothing?- -Shall I, who stark-nakedly came to this world, leave with the same nakedness in a blink? If so, how can I not regret, for going though my life all in vain?

You the wise, tell me, why should our days be gone yet never come back?

华译： What can I do in this crowded world during my days fleeing like an arrow①? O nothing but wander! O nothing but rush!② In the rush of my past eight thousand days, what remains besides my wandering③? The past days look like a light smoke, blown away by breeze; and look like a thin mist, melted by the morning sun④. What trace have I left on this world? Alas, even a gossamer trace I have not left!⑤ I came to this world stark-nakedly, and instantly I will leave this world in the same way!⑥ But how can I not complain to go⑦ through this life all in vain?

You the wise, tell me, why would our days be gone without return?

【①句式很好，胜过铁译及前人译文，但句末“像箭一般逃跑”不是地道的英文表达，因为箭是“飞射”的，不是“飞逃”的。②这两句是保留了原文形美的佳译，但感叹过度，第一个感叹号应改为逗号为宜。③佳译！remains一词犹妙！④look like（看起来像）形容days似不妥，应为were like。⑤、⑥过多感叹，有失婉转。⑦此处用不定式，句意、语感均不佳。】