<p class="ql-block">出句:松老云深栖鹤梦</p><p class="ql-block">点评:浅夏微凉</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">前言:本期是隐逸风格联,借景言情。断句格式为:松老/云深/栖/鹤梦,隐藏主语“人。鹤梦:谓超凡脱俗的向往。不是单单指鹤自己的梦。前面是隐者隐居的环境铺垫。</p><p class="ql-block">“云深”“松老”指云海深厚松树苍老。出自:明·洪应明《菜根谭·闲适》原句:地宽天高,尚觉鹏程之窄小;云深松老,方知鹤梦之悠闲。</p><p class="ql-block">翻译:大地宽阔天空高远,鹏程虽可及万里,仍然让人觉得渺小不足道;云海深厚松树苍老,才知道鹤梦般的隐居生活多么悠闲。</p> <p class="ql-block">(甲一)</p><p class="ql-block">简而言之:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹幽寺隐悟禅机。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:翠竹幽幽,古寺隐隐,人在寺中参禅悟道,亦或指已经出家的僧人。通过“竹”“古寺”禅机”的描写,超然之境跃然纸上,景物搭配与后三紧密相连,佳句。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(甲二)</p><p class="ql-block">老墨:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">寺幽月朗寄禅心。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:同“竹幽月朗寄禅心”句,寄应该是寄托的意思,“寄”字略逊“悟字。”还可再精炼。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(甲二)</p><p class="ql-block">鞠良:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉清峰兀落琴声。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:高山流水遇知音,相传伯⽛⿎琴,志在⾼⼭,钟⼦期⽈:“善哉,峨峨兮若泰⼭!'志在流⽔,钟⼦期⽈:善哉,洋洋兮若江河。当然作者也可能表达的是普通人,语境表达到位,惜“落”字稍显漂浮,可再酌。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(甲三)</p><p class="ql-block">诗韵凝香:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风清柳翠约蝉声。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:在清风习习,杨柳依依的柳岸,一位老者在岸边,也许在垂钓,也许在闲眠,所以惬意约蝉,“约”字亮眼,与出句保持一致,画面悠闲自在,突显了隐居者的状态。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(甲三)</p><p class="ql-block">石材橱柜:?</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷妍水暖逐渔歌。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:夏天荷花具有代表性,“渔歌”以声音切入,使意境更加饱满,蕴藏的也有主语人,惜“逐”字较普通,如改成“袅”之类会更好一些,瑕不遮瑜。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(甲三)</p><p class="ql-block">梁海鑫:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">琴清室雅寄心声。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:琴声袅袅,陋室无尘,以琴音来表达悠闲的心境,同样也是借物言情的代表,整体有流水对的味道。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(优秀奖)</p><p class="ql-block">竹溪:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">谷幽林密隐仙踪。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:对仗工整,幽静茂密的丛林山谷,隐匿仙人的踪迹,绿野仙踪妙,承接顺畅,佳对。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(优秀奖)</p><p class="ql-block">霜晨月:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风清月隐蕴禅机。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:意境承接上联,对仗工稳,禅意浓浓,“蕴”字较低沉,需再酌。且月隐,隐了意味就淡了,建议换明亮的字眼,比如朗。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">(优秀奖)</p><p class="ql-block">杨梅水中人:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷新水碧悦鱼心。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">简评:纯“景”类代表,前四与“荷妍水暖”意境一致,后三的对应则完全脱离了人物,落了下风,与之撞句的动鱼情,因为上联联眼在于“栖”字,“动”不及“悦”精炼 ,故推此句鼓励!</span></p> <p class="ql-block">(所有作品)</p><p class="ql-block">竹溪:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">谷幽林密隐仙踪。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">杨梅水中人:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷新水碧悦鱼心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">浮云帆影:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">林幽鸟静醉诗魂。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">馳鵬:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">水清山静筑仙居。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">谢子衿:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">心清居僻蕴诗情。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">晨曦A:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">溪长水彻映蟾枝。(月桂枝)</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">沧浪之水:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹清月朗入泉心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">清溪钓客:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">洞幽山寂匿仙踪。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">格格:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">人闲酒好约僧棋。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">小轩:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">山高碧障隔尘氛。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">霞:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹寒露冷咽蝉声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">自@陶然:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">崖皴石瘦裹苔衣。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">顺风🇨🇳:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">山高寺浅寄禅思。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">感悟:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷青水浅任蟾鸣。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">厚德载物:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">山高水远荡溪声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">惠风:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹青雨沛卧梅心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">杨海山:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">寺幽钟远隐尘声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">如宝江山:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹疏月冷坠花魂。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">李寻欢:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">天高地阔展鹏程。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">从来如来:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷新水浅驻童心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">陌上桑🐯🐯🐯:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉深月浅息心声。</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(237, 35, 8);">评:重字。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">赵丰泳:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦</p><p class="ql-block">山高水远老渔翁</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">秃垂叟:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">山高寺静谥仙名。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">幸福方来:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">水清卉绽立蜓歇。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">梦望儿(陈冠翠):</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">水清月朗孕诗心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">旗开得胜:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">山欢水笑漾琴声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">逊雪输梅:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">溪清谷静聚兰芳。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">殷祥光:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">竹稠涧绝隐鸾名。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">天涯一念:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉清竹秀洗尘心。</p> <p class="ql-block">观山不老:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦</p><p class="ql-block">瀑高水骤泻龙吟</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">高风亮杰:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风轻水阔泛舟情。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">贾保宁:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">天高海阔展鸿图。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">百里之才:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">天高地阔跃鹏程。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">鞠良:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉清峰兀落琴声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">娄东客:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">霜桥雪径落鸿泥。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">安徽 赵美新(时时乐):</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风轻露重湿蟾光。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">霜晨月:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风清月隐蕴禅机。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">星星知我心:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦</p><p class="ql-block">山清水秀醉莺歌</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">光明:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦</p><p class="ql-block">山青水秀娉莺姿</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">边马:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">柳新风软啭鹂声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">《菊香诗苑村》村长:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">岭幽雾重响莺歌。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">石材橱柜:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">荷妍水暖逐渔歌。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">淮颍:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">莲香水暖动鱼情。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">高风亮杰:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">风轻水阔泛舟情。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">高山景行-18653291911:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">墨新酒馥惹梅妃。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">高歌追梦孙宝山:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">庙幽日出撞钟声。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">安娜老爸:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉幽月冷瘦梅魂。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">亦学:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉清花艳返童心。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">弄花香满衣:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">人闲意快寄山歌。</p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block">安娜老爸:</p><p class="ql-block">松老云深栖鹤梦;</p><p class="ql-block">泉幽月冷瘦梅魂。</p>