<p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;"> 校长 ：陌上花开 </span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">班主任：许琞 无忧花</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">评9团评阅团长：活色生香 </span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;"> 龙泉客 王琴杰</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">作管班长：雨夜伊人</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">练笔审稿：思雨 秋云</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">早读领读：王琴杰</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">早读统计：活色生香</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">机动人员：阳光普照</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">练习美篇：傻骨柔肠</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">本期审稿老师:</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">王琴杰</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">活色生香</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">龙泉客</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">傻骨柔肠</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;"> 本周练笔同题诗《诗与远方》。要求：格律工整，以首句入韵式，限十一真十二文。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">例诗：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">《恽向千岩竞秀图》</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">【清】王士祯</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">万壑千岩云雾生，曹娥江外几峰晴。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明乞与樵风便，身向山阴道上行。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">渔洋绝句第六法：</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">一、要点前两句直赋眼前景，第三句以好是、分明、好到等词著以评论。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">二、构思过程。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">①前两句直赋眼前景，注意语意联属，写景由近到远，或由远到近。景物的配置要大小合理。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">②第三句以叙述人事或者抒情来转折，句中用好是、分明、好到作简要评论。注意转句，要出新意，主题要升华。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">③第四句抱紧第三句，要做到语尽意不尽。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/思雨</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">峭拔山峰接碧云， 风来草色曜晴曛。 </span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">此生幸好豪情在， 每得幽怀赋锦文。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">浅评:格律无误，符合作业要求。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/许琞</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">海燕翱翔搏浪频，沙鸥出没共湖滨。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明驿路多荆棘，不改当初乐苦辛。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">浅评:个人感觉起承两句物像过于单调，转句是不是脱节了？个见。</span></p> <p class="ql-block">修改稿</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/许琞</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">海燕翱翔搏浪频，波涛汹涌击崖滨。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明世路似流水，不改当初乐苦辛。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方之红叶</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/活色生香</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">半树飘零欲作薪，微霜素染未蒙尘。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明秋叶红颜老，且把诗情寄远滨。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">浅评:描写景物由远及近，诗意由小见大，符合作业要求。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/心如海</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">话少情丰寓意陈，言词对律字才珍。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">多亏古典存佳韵，历代传承启后人。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">浅评:格律符合作业要求，承句的“对律”对字是否再斟酌？转句没转开，所以看不到升华。个见。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/娜娜</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">世外桃源醉白云，珍珠项链美堪欣。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明九寨春光画，一缕诗情发网群。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：承句与别的句子没有关联。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/林天平</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">山村秀丽景犹新，别墅高楼住俗民。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">此乃分明天圣地，却勾仙女羡凡尘。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：小诗不错，注意用诗家语。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/王琴杰 </span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">传声诵读语音醇，练习批评品百辛。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好在课堂随意进，偶成佳句见天真。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：没有扣题，只有诗，并无远方。</span></p> <p class="ql-block">修改稿</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/王琴杰</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">传声诵读录音频，练习批评品百辛。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好在初心从未改，知难向上写天真。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">.杨花</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/月下老人</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">一年一度暖风新，欢舞鹅绒滚摇身。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好似程门飞雪景，飘飘洒洒喜迎人。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：承句失替，同时失对失粘。没有扣作业题《诗与远方》。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方之旧梦如馨</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/梅梅</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">他乡月下又思君 万水千山隔愁云</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">幸好老茶能慢品 氤氲旧梦醒三分。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：“愁”平仄有误。“万水千山”是成语。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/柔肠</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">飞瀑珠花雾作裙，萦回潭面觅龙君。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">明为向海东流水，暗恋西游那朵云。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：符合要求！</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方之初夏时节</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/李秀亭</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">鲜花渐谢翠方陈，一树繁柔碧色新。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">莫是春君装点乱，阳山墨绿背空贫。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：“翠”“碧色”“墨绿”语意有重复。“背空贫”费解。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方之雨后观山</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/李秀亭</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">雨霁青山多绕云，溪飞峭壁瀑生氲。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明翠巘神仙府，从此逍遥心满欣。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：“青山”“翠巘”语意重复。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/云溪</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">锄云耕雨不辞辛，白发增添几几轮。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好在痴心从未改，填词作赋乐其真。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：符合要求！</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方之自驾青藏游</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/一叶知秋</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">冰川险路草原新，高反西行阻挡频。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">幸好亲朋相照应，诗言胜景赋情真。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：承句“高反”用词需斟酌。“亲”韵字入诗。</span></p> <p class="ql-block">修改稿 </p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方～自驾青藏游</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/一叶知秋</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">冰川险路草原新，眼在天堂气喘频。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好是同行相照应，诗言胜景赋情真。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">气喘～高原反应之一。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/龙泉客</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">旭日穿云景色新，遥观塔下队形真。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">分明医护常规测，为使魔君不扰民。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：符合要求！</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/时光</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">倚栏独对暮天云，只见飞花不见君。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">幸有轻风明月在，黄昏陪我至清晨。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评：“云”“君”“晨”不在一个韵部。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/玉良</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">人生易老德操珍，乐善好施多睦邻。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">年迈分明体迟缓，吟诗学赋乐津津。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评:符合6法特点，乐观向上。乐，重字了。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p><p class="ql-block"><br></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/无忧花</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">漫漫诗道总艰辛，细琢深思最费神。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">幸好宝刀仍未老，新芽枯木又逢春。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评:好，感觉转合两句倍棒。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/秋云</span></p><p class="ql-block">（致敬登上珠穆朗玛峰的中国登山科考队）</p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">朗玛峰高入碧云，傲然寰宇玉龙身。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">为谁一展本原色，科考中华登顶人。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评:符合要求。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">诗与远方</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(22, 126, 251);">文/阳光普照</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">杨花乱舞少行人，似火骄阳景色新。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="font-size:22px;">好到芳心千里许，白头携手九州巡。</span></p><p class="ql-block"><span style="color:rgb(255, 138, 0);">简评:符合要求。画面感极强。</span></p> <p class="ql-block"><a href="http://www.cishanshihui.com.cn/forum.php?mod=viewthread&tid=14853" target="_blank">慈善诗会花开讲堂所有课程专栏介绍</a></p>