我和我的华裔母亲

JFH 方争

黄帝今年24岁了，在旧金山优步总部任软件工程师。7年前的今天，黄帝高中毕业考进洛杉矶加大计算机系，这篇文章是他写给我的离家礼物🎁

我相信天下母亲的愿望都是美好的：孩子们如鹰展翅上腾，前程如宇宙般辽阔辉煌。然而，现实很骨感，母亲们常常不被孩子们理解，弄出了很多的不愉快。希望黄帝的文字能够帮助母亲们明白：所有的努力都不会被辜负。加油💪

My mother and I

By Xuan Yuan Huang

When our father died, responsibility for my younger brother and I fell upon our bereaved mother. Our mother was the product of the Chinese Cultural Revolution, a period of severe economic hardship; scarcity was hardly new to her. But we two children had grown up in a fairly cushy lifestyle supported by dad, an accomplished engineer, and were yanked off our feet by sudden austerity. It was her unwavering support that not only allowed us to survive but also made me who I am today.

我父亲因肝癌殁了，留下5岁的我和4岁的弟弟，生活的重担压在了我们勇敢的母亲肩上。母亲成长于中国文革时期，艰难困苦中玉汝于成。然而，弟弟和我出生于美国洛杉矶，父亲是收入颇丰的航太工程师，家庭生活优渥。感谢母亲坚定不移地努力付出，我们家浴火重生，走出了绝境。

As a naive child, every time my mom refused to buy something, I presumed her action to be a personal attack. Over time, however, I grew to understand the limitations of a part-time, single mother's resources. She was not denying me – she was allocating her limited funds in what she thought was the best way possible. In time, I myself learned financial responsibility and gained an appreciation for the costs of life, both capital and labor, temporal and emotional.

小时候，每当母亲拒绝买我喜欢的东西时，我真是备受伤害。长大后，我才慢慢明白为什么母亲每周都会有生活预算，因为只有这样，一个寡妇才能用有限的收入养大她的两个幼儿。母亲的言传身教，使我更加明白自己的社会责任和理财技巧：君子爱财，取之有道。

That was not the only lesson my mother taught, however. Even her relatively liberal application of discipline was an educational experience. Around fifth grade, I became questioning enough to ask why she restricted me so. Rather than demanding silent obedience, she decided I was old enough and explained that her discipline was not arbitrary but rather tough love, with my own improvement always the end goal. It dawned upon me that my feelings were hardly the only relevant ones. That lesson on empathy was later supplemented by my own reading and gave rise to my life philosophy. People, like Rousseau argued, are fundamentally good, and there are usually honest motivations and genuine feelings behind their actions that should be appreciated.

母亲的教育总是不容易接受的。我犯错时，母亲会让我趴在沙发上，用手打自己的屁股十下（她不忍心动手）。差不多是小学五年级时，我开始反抗、拒绝体罚自己。母亲流着眼泪解释给我听：你是长子，父亲不在了，家庭的未来和希望全靠你了。吃得苦中苦，方为人上人。母亲的意思是，体罚也是一种爱。我开始大量阅读各种心理学书籍，试图找到理论依据来反驳母亲。呵呵，争论至今仍未止息，但有一点是明确的：任何人愿意花时间来教导我们，都是值得感恩的。

The importance of empathy was further reinforced by a Chinese concept my mom made sure I learned, “buhaoyisi”. Although generally an apology for asking another to shoulder a burden, “buhaoyisi” literally means “bad meaning”. “Buhaoyisi” thus paints burdening others in a negative light. This is the flip side of empathy; it is not enough to just recognize others' good intentions. One must also foster them by not unduly burdening others. From this comes the conclusion that one has a responsibility to contribute to the society he or she lives in.

“换位思考”的概念被母亲在生活中反复强调，绝不能滥用“不好意思”，因为每个人都有自己的难处。凡事必须竭尽全力所能，求人不如求己。

My mom and I have very different personalities and perspectives on life, to the point that nowadays we rarely see eye-to-eye. However, my mother's influence on how I live my life is irrefutable. Perhaps in a manner she did not realize, she taught me thrift, empathy, and the importance of being a valuable member of society.

母亲好动，我好静。我们对待生活的态度也越来越不一样。我们现在很少面对面地促膝长谈。然而，母亲是影响和改变我生活的第一人，她教育我成为勤俭、感恩和对社会有用的人。

题外话

常常听到母亲们抱怨孩子不听话，问我是怎么做到的。方法一：三岁以前绝不假手于他人。这段时间培养出来的“母子连心”可以保证孩子对母亲在心理上的依赖，是“听话”的精神基础，所谓“打断骨头连着筋”。方法二：培养孩子读书的兴趣和习惯，鼓励孩子用知识武装自己，充实“不听话”的财力基础。

如果孩子一生下来就让奶妈和保姆照顾；稍微会走路了，就被送进了幼儿园。十几年后，要求孩子听父母的话？可能吗？

事实上，所有产妇都有奶，量少的可以借助催奶按摩解困。一个母亲，为了保持良好身材曲线，宁愿喂孩子奶粉 = 表明她不爱自己的孩子。如果你的老婆，连自己的孩子都不爱，你觉得她对你的爱会是真的吗？